I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
