I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
