Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
