my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
