vagina is talking i cant
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
