I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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