You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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