My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
