Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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