Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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