Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
