Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
