My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
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