I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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