Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
