My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
