Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
