Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
