omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
