ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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