he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
