Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
