there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
