she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
