And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
