Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
