wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
