my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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