Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My vagina just recognized that song.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
