I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
