Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
