There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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