I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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