In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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