Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
