i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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