When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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