the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
