Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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