nut hugger
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
