I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize