we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
