I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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