I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize