I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Randomize
