my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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