A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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