Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
sarcasm needs its own font
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
