Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
