I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
