Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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