I cut my penus on the lid.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
This is the high leading the old right now
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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