Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Randomize
