What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
