He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She's not a foreskin expert like you
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
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