final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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