Welp...herpes.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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