I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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