I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize